Yesterday was my first choir practice in 6 years.  I joined the MSU Chorale and it was great.  It's all music students and then myself so from what I could hear, their voices were really great and lovely.

I'm doing it Tuesdays and Thursdays on my lunch breaks to give me a break from work and hopefully bring me back to singing.

Choral music is far and beyond my favourite music.  It's like reading a great poem.  I feel this rush and burning in my cheeks when I hear the 8 parts blend together.  It's an incredible natural high.

I have been thinking more about starting to study for the GRE.  I really need to start my graduate work in British literature.

Back to work...

Gone are the days of New Year quizzes and angsty posts about school.  I write to you from my living room as the sun prepares to have a nap on the Sunday before the New Year really starts for most.

I read this interesting article about marriage the other day.  It was broken into several different bits and parts about what young people seem to expect and why they run for the hills in 6 months to a year because it isn't what they thought it would be like.  Some of the things the writer jotted down were things I have felt.  The waking up every morning to the same person and thinking, "is this all their is?" and the bullshit of that old wives tale.."never go to bed angry..."

However, some things made me shake my head as to why certain people think them in the first place.  Now that I have many friends engaged and getting married, I realize some of them think marriage will be this wonderful, 24 hour, non stop fairy tale.  And they will deny they think this; that is the best part.

I was out with a couple last night who have been married for almost 4 years.  The way they spoke to each other, you could just tell they were married.  It was rough and tiresome.  They looked happy but tired.

I hear many people who are in long term relationships, married or not, turn back around to look at the past years and shake their heads as to why they ever left those years.  I seem to go through periods of complete nostalgia which leads to much melancholy.  I have always had a melancholic streak my entire life.  From my first read of Hamlet I completely identified with him.  I smile now as I remember how it was like to not be able to control my feelings years ago.  It's been a long time since I have felt what it is like to be out of control.

Responsibility is a funny thing.  You are overwhelmed if you have too much and people push and nag you when you seem to have too little.  There are days where I feel the weight of the world is riding on my shoulders, much like Atlas.  I feel as thought I might tip and the world will crush my chest.  It really has been a long few years and I'm not really sure I know what happiness really is at this point in my life.  That doesn't meant I'm not happy, it just means I'm not sure if I can pinpoint just what it is.

Nevertheless, Bonne Annee to you and yours.

x

Work is finally calming down.  For two straight months I was working a lot of overtime and pretty in some ridiculous, exhausting hours.  Now that school has started, it has calmed down.

I don't have a lot to say.  Life is rolling along.  I've done a lot of thinking lately about what it is to be a good wife and how to get better every day at doing this.  I think I'm really growing in a lot of aspects.  I don't get as upset any more with Jared.  I let a lot more things go.  I've learned to appreciate our time together no matter how short it is. 

I also think I'm starting to get more comfortable here and maybe that is helping.  Each day I am learning to accept the choice I have made and that I've got to deal with the present instead of the past.  I have to learn how to enjoy each day to the fullest, even if that is a popular cliche.

I will always miss home and I will always have only one home in my mind.

Tomorrow is Bella's first birthday, my mum and dad's wedding anniversary and the 7th anniversary of 9/11.  I really wanted to sign some of those steel beams they were letting new yorkers signed but I don't think I Can make it there before they actually put them up.

On Sunday it will by my first wedding anniversary.  Even though technically I got married May 29th, Sept., 14th was our actual wedding so that is what we have kept to recognize.  It's nice to know we've made it through the first year pretty okay.

Much love.

Amanda

I have time on my hands tonight.....

enough time to wonder where Brian Spillman is and where he went...I have tried to find him, a name, an email, anything....and I'm afraid I have not found anything.

If any of you can help me, let me know. I miss him.

Amandaxx

It's party time and not one minute we can lose, be my baby.....

throw back.

I'm watching Engaged and Underage updates on MTV.  This is a show were teenagers get married and every one is pretty much opposed to it.  Well, this one girl got pregnant and had a baby so at 18, her and the baby's father decided to get married.  His mother wanted the girl to initially get an abortion and wanted her son to have nothing to do with her in the first place.  Any ways, they end up getting married and a year later the girl said that her mother in law still does not like her and their relationship has not changed.  Well ya know what? The girl was pregnant again!!!!!  What is wrong with these girls who have multiple children before they are 20 and then get married.  What happened to taking proper life steps?  When I watch these kids, it amazes me how they think/thought marriage was just going to be a breeze.  Most of them are living pay cheque to pay cheque and are hardly getting by.  But more than money, family is so important and half of their families are just blown apart by these immature scenarios. 

I digress.

My new job with the state of new jersey seems to be going well.  I work at a university in their transportation and parking department.  The university will pay for my MA in full as long as I am an employee there and wish to do it at the university where I work.  So it seems like studying for the GRE is in my immediate future as I would like to start the MA in the fall of 2009 in British or American literature.  It's going to be hard, but all they request is that I score a 500 on the verbal so I think I can accomplish that.  Now that I have this great opportunity at a great school, I have no choice but to take it!   More than ever now, I do realize that I want to be an English Professor.  It would be a great goal for me to always be close to what I love in life, and being able to teach English literature in it's most refined form would be truly amazing.

Any ways, I'm not feeling very well today so I guess I'm going to try to get some sleep now.  Before I go I just wanted to say that what happened to Tim McLean this week, the 22 year old from Winnipeg that was stabbed and decapitated on a greyhound bus, is shocking, disturbing and one of the worst tragedies to hit my great country since I have known it.  I traveled on the greyhound bus so many times when I was at school between my parents house and my university, and my university and Jared's house...and I think of how that could have happened to any one.  I WANT security to be stepped up on buses.  Any one can bring anything onto a bus at their own discretion.  A few times passengers tried to bring knives on the buses I was going to be on and their weapons (pocket knives) were discarded but they were STILL allowed to board.  Some people were drunk and I just feel like overall, drivers need to be trained and have the right to go through luggage and we should have the same security for buses as we have for airplanes. 

I hope there is justice for Tim McLean.

Bon Nuit.

I am back and I am okay with being back.



This is my old apartment, top floor, 3rd window in on the side street was my bedroom window for a long time.



This was at the end of my street.  The heart of Canada, the Parliament Buildings.



Our Guards! 



Ottawa a la nuit!

:)

I'm here.

After 2.5 years.

Sitting in a hotel on Albert Street. 

Everything is SO familiar from doing this every day for four years.

But at the same time I feel so awkward, like I'm not welcome, like I'm foreign. 

Fuck I miss this though.  The constant commotion.  The cleanliness.  The French. (Did I just say I missed the French?)

I've only been downtown for a bit of a walk so far.  I think I will take on my old routes tomorrow.

I wish I could rewind it all.  I would have never left this place.

"...My hair's mostly wind,
My eyes filled with grit
My skin's white then brown
My lips chapped and split
I've lain on the prairie and heard grasses sigh
I've stared at the vast open bowl of the sky
I've seen all the castles and faces in clouds
My home is the prairie and for that I am proud…

If You're not from the Prairie, you can't know my soul
You don't know our blizzards; you've not fought our cold
You can't know my mind, nor ever my heart
Unless deep within you there's somehow a part…
A part of these things that I've said that I know,
The wind, sky and earth, the storms and the snow.
Best say that you have - and then we'll be one,
For we will have shared that same blazing sun."
- David Bouchard

Well  I had a week off of work last week, well technically two weeks ago.  I went to Atlantic City and then went home. Recently my mum was diagnosed with a malignant polyp on her colon and had to have it removed.  The cancer had not spread into her body but she now has to undergo radiation therapy.  I wanted to just take a quick trip home to see her and make sure she was okay.

While I was at home I was in Toronto a couple of times.  One night with my friends, Tammy, Inti and Vanja.  The other I spent with my dad and my brothers watching Toronto FC.  It was great and I had a long talk with my friend Inti until 2am about where my life was and how I was incredibly unhappy where I was.

Needless to say when I got back to New Jersey I had a long talk with Jared about some things in my life I'm not happy with.  I'm not happy with what I'm doing or where we live.  In fact, I absolutely hate New Jersey.  As a visitor, I liked New Jersey. As a resident, it's an incredibly daunting place to live in and I am not willing to live here and sacrifice myself for it.

We have to move any ways, we just didn't know we'd be moving out of state.  I'd like to move to Lancaster, PA.  It's got great countryside and a cute little downtown. It's cheap. The taxes are low.  I'm searching for a place I can walk downtown in, get my coffee in and read a paper. I'm searching for a place with people being busy, even if they are tourists.  I'm not ready for complete suburbia yet.  I'm not ready to be isolated.  I have no mini-van in my immediate future.

Also, I quit my job.  I gave notice at my job on Tuesday.  Many reasons can be tallied for my quitting, but most of all there is no job for me any more.  I thought I'd stick around until we moved but certain circumstances pushed me towards walking out.  Hopefully a new job is in my future.  I have something in the works.

Till next time,...

'Ello my darlings. (or just me, as I am sure no one reads LJ any more)

Things are alright.   I'm still searching for an editor's position and went on an interview last week for a dental magazine.  I think they were looking for someone with more experience.  I really need to become an Assistant or Associate editor first.  It seems like Craigslist might be the hottest spot to see some of these jobs in NYC.  I'm getting A LOT of calls but they are all for bookkeeping jobs and secretarial jobs.  All stuff I do not want to do.  So my persuit carries on!

Been speaking with Darren quite a bit lately.  It's been really lovely.  I miss him as a friend who I share a lot of common ground with as well as a past.  He reminds me of what I used to be like. Innocent. Naive. But with an incredibly romantic tongue and mind. It's just nice to re-convene for awhile, let the past go and remember why we are the way that we are.  He's supposed to be coming to NY next month which would be really exciting!

Along the same lines, Rachel, my long lost lover, is making a quick trip to the city to move in her sister. I can't wait! It has been like 3 of 4 years since she was at my apartment in Ottawa. Yay!

I'm spending a lot of time with Gabe and my friend Tamara is having a poetry event at her house in June.  She saw my work and wants me to read at the even so I said yes of course. It should be a lot of fun.

Also, I will be going to Atlantic City June 15th-19th with Jared for a little holiday. I'm really looking forward to it!!!

Ta.

Mandy.

Went through a hard time.

Been recovering and getting back on my feet.  Jared's friend Justin, who was at the funeral, is not someone I've known very well.  But lately we've been exchanging emails and messages talking about writing.  Turns out he's an aspiring writer so we've just been sharing stuff.  It's been really nice.

Darren wants to ring me from Bolton because he's been feeling down and feels like moving away from Bolton.  I think he wants to move to New York but I don't think he realizes the hardships in that situation. (ie. visas, high costs, etc.) I don't want him to run away from problems or issues, but face them.  Hopefully I can help.

Here is one of my peices of writing.

O Canada

I was on the train to the city
when I saw you in the rotation of my thoughts,
like distant ships at sea
for days
keeping their sails at bay until
one day arriving on shore much to everyone’s surprise.

I have been attacked between the boroughs by you-
But I forgive you ma patrie.

We are secretly lonely without each other,
our communion far from thriving.
We share few moments of intimacy and
I admit that I missed your entire blanketing season.
No white dunes,
Frozen ponds,
Peace when white stars pour down over
black nights. (the many pseudo second-comings from November to March.)

Who have you found to replace me?
I heard the currency converter is currently
exchanging 100,000 immigrants for
the years I spent articulating your wonders.
I’d like the truth.

On Tuesday, March 25th, around 9am, one of the best people I have had a chance to have in my life passed away.  On Sunday I had been at her house for Easter dinner where she cooked way too much food, like usual and way too many desserts because I asked her to.  She was always doing that; what ever you asked for she did it and then some.

More than that, she was one of the first people in New Jersey to open her arms to me, make sure I was okay and feed me on a regular basis.  She was my father-in- laws cousin, which made her son my husband's second cousin.  She was more than just a second mother to me, she was my family. 

She was a single mother all her life and she raised two kids.  One of them was one of my best friends, Gabe, who my husband has known all his life.  They did everything together from hanging out at the local pool to boy scouts and even seeing every show together.  When my father in law and mother in law got divorced, all the holidays were had at Ms. Aiellos house.  For the last four years of my life, I have had almost every holiday there.  Sometimes she could be annoying, but it was only because she loved us.

Last year she was diagnosed with cancer of the lymph nodes.  Gabe took her to every appointment and she beat it.  She always had a smile on her face, even when she was very sick.

Ms. Aiello worked in education with small kids where she ran after school programs so that kids could learn and had a place to go.  She often fed the kids who didn't have enough money to eat and sometimes when I would go over there, families would show up at her house in need of something she always provided.  She was just that kind of person.

She died in her driveway of a heart attack.

We have been taking shifts with gabe, staying with him.  He has a small number of distance relatives so literally, we are his close family now.  He has to figure out what to do with his mothers mortgage, car loans, bills, insurance....it's really a mess.  We have been doing to the best we can but what do you say to a 27 year old who has no parents any more? 

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.  On little sleep we've gone to two wakes, a funeral and reception..we have been going to work and going straight there afterwards to make sure Gabe is okay.  We have taken turns sleeping at the house.

I still can't believe shes gone.  She was just here.  I guess that is just the way it goes how you never know.  You can beat cancer and still die of something unrelated.  The last words she said to me were "take some brownies home"....very fitting of how she was :)

Salut-

He found me again.  This time it was about 1 year and two months without contact.  Just like I'm 16 all over again I'm afraid I will lose his contact.  Soul mates never die and I know that is true because Placebo said it.

There is so much blood, sweat, vomit, tears, salt, body aches, head aches, pain rolled up in it.  A lot of words too.  A lot of childish words and adult phrases.

I'm adult about it when the time pases but at first sign of contact I'm a kid all over again, smiling and giddy-like.

That is just always the way it will be.

The past can be such a beautiful thing.
Dirty, lazy Saturday with time on my hands.
Shit weather.
Where has my life gone in the past few years? I've gone through men (boys?), acquaintances, telephone numbers, cable carriers, cities, modes of transportation-
thousands of nouns that fucked my life and left without the promise of breakfast or a tomorrow.

Some times I think that I loved them all which is beyond impossible...

but some times I'm convinced it's true.  From the time I had a 15 year old body and 25 year old emotional capacity I'm convinced I loved every place, person and thing even if not unconditionally. 

Do we go through life constantly looking at the past and flagging down the choices we made as if they were yellow or orange thrown penalties in a football game? Warnings to stop and take a look at the moment, it's meaning and consequence.
.
I see myself sitting in grade 10  history looking out the window near the end of the year.  I have this diary I am using to fulfill my writing obsessions that have come on in the last couple years.  I'm looking out the window and am totally, 100% in the darkest heart of love.  No boy at school had ever made me feel this way and yet there was an ocean in between us.  The next years would be spent agonizing over this european love obsession and my parents pulling their hair out over it.

Then I am sitting in OAC (grade 13) sociology where I fuck around all class with my friends and with the guy behind me who writes me dirty notes.  Back and forth for weeks we write behind our teachers back what we want to do to each other and jokes beyond my sexual comprehension.  I've got the mind of a 30 year old and the sexual expression of pre-pubescence.  We date, he takes me to my prom and I fall asleep with him in his basement.  In the summer I'm standing in the street at 2am wanting to know why we won't call me any more.  With me moving to Ottawa it will just be too hard and I am old enough to accept our fate.

I'm sitting there with Beth in our not-so-twin beds, in a box literally like mice.  I run my tongue along talks of my old european friend who I still can't let go and i'm still so awkward in my new short hair, skate shoes and the only two things I will be caught dead in: t -shirts and jeans. Without mum and dad I'm free to do what ever I please but somehow I don't.  I make out with dudes and drink a lot of beer.  I go to a lot of bars and cheap clubs.  I dance a lot.  I dance all the urbaness out of me. 

I'm living across from three nightclubs, a popular 24 hour diner and a hair salon.  I'm living on the most beautiful street in the world.  I'm throwing myself into poetry because I meet her and she is everything I need.  I needed a parent that didn't parent but inspired.  We drank beers in Montreal and ate smoked meat sandwiches.  We slept 3 in a bed with more boys and girls on the floor all around us.  The french don't care.  I was just like her and she didn't want me to throw it away like she did.

It's snowing out and my legs are cramped through the night as I pass the adirondacks.  I arrive in completely unfamiliar territory thinking "oh shit oh shit oh shit what have I done?".  The white, english girl from Canada in Newark, New Jersey.  Unknown to me at the time quite the murderous little city. 

I try to think about all the steps I took before I got here.  Two rings on my finger, two families, a wonderful husband who is understanding, stubborn and has an amazing laugh.  With a smelly dog.  In a country I hated (and..well...hate is a strong word so I won't use it but...)

I love memories. 

Today the weather is bad so work is pretty slow and I am finally getting a change to write in here.

I'm going home for the holidays. Dad is flying here Dec. 21st and we are driving my car back on Dec. 22nd because Jared and I are purchasing a new vehicle this weekend. We have been waiting forever to do this and it's a really exciting thing for us. We will be buying a Versa, I think I have mentioned that before. Hopefully we can get a good price on it. We took out a loan from Capitol One and so it should be too bad.

The title of this journal entry has a purpose. I really hate it when people make certain things in their lives, like weight, an issue or make sure that you acknowledge it even if you don't know them or you are meeting them for the first time. Insecurities really get to me when the are unnecessary. I understand if you were once over weight and now thin and you are happier than ever about it, but why do people feel the need to tell someone they have never met before they were a 14 and now they are a 4. That makes no difference to me in the way that I receive the person. You can still be a shitty individual at size 4.

There are other things too like...how much money you make. Why do people always feel the need to lie about this? Why does it even matter? Whether you are making 30 or 45 grand, it's all the same to me as I am not affected by it personally. I grew up middle class and then was a student for four years. I know what it;s like to be comfortable and then very uncomfortable. If you are making less than you say you are, it's not going to make me like you more. haha I never understand that about people. If you talk about all the expensive clothes you have but then I see you in cheap hoodies and tank tops..what am I supposed to think about you?

There are a lot of us that could afford to lose a few pounds, and some of us that could afford to make more money or have nicer hair or own a better car....but do you think when people are putting you 6 feet under they are saying..
"wow, she had a really nice car...." or,
"she looked so good when she lost all that weight.."

Get where I'm going with this?

I just thought I would add my two sense because there was an individuals myspace page that I came across today that I don't know too well and saw some info that made me puzzled. Essentially it made me feel sad for that person because they spend so much effort in their life talking themself up to people and making sure people notice them that they start believing their own made up untruths about themselves.

Nothing is more re-assuring and great in people than just being real.

Well I have not made an entry in a month. It has been the craziest month since I have been here really. Adjusting to working full time has been difficult and has had it's ups and downs. It's "alright". It's no dream nor is it any kind of work to boast about but cash is cash is cash.

Jared and I ventured out into Lancaster, PA last weekend. It was BEAUTIFUL and reminded me so much of home. The people were also so much friggin nicer. On the way home I told Jared that I would very much like him to consider moving there to Eastern PA. It's half the price of living in New Jersey and it's just an all around easier way of life. Some of the old homes out there, sitting on half acres or an acre lot for 200,000 dollars, are absolutely gorgeous. I want to have a couple farm dogs and live a very comfortably. I don't see myself mentally being able to stay in this area of New Jersey. We decided we would move more south but I don't even think that will be satisfactory enough for me. It's so expensive and I just don't want to spend 5 years saving for some 400 grand peice of shit so we can stay in New Jersey. Jared will still work in Jersey and even I can find a job close to the NJ/PA border if Id like. But we really have to consider a much more affordable move and one for my sheer sanity. On our way back the snow started to fall and it just reminded me of Canada the way that it looked. It was the first time in awhile I have seen all that open space. It was a really nice feeling.

Thanksgiving in Thursday and we are heading to Ms. Aiellos like usual. Friday I took the day off and Jared and I are going to look at cars. We are going to be buying a Nissan Versa either this weekend or next! I'm so pumped to get a new car. Then on Friday night we are heading to Sewell, NJ (by Philly, PA) to see Tegan and Sara. This will be my first time seeing them since every show they have put on when I was in Ottawa was either sold out or at a huge venue I didn't bother trying to bus out to. It should be good.

That's all folksss.

I ordered GOL TV and the Fox Soccer Channel last week so now I've been watching football all week. It's been great to finally get to see my club back in action. I also caught some EURO cup qualifiers so that was nice.

I got a job as a receptionist at a construction company in Edison, NJ. The pay is $15/hr but the health benefits suck. I guess I will just stay with Jared's bennies and they said if I didn't take the benefits they would compensate me in salary. That works for me! The only thing that sucks is I don't get vacation time until after a year. I know that is every one's deal but that means Jared and I will not be able to go on a honeymoon for a very long time! haha I suppose that is just life. I start tomorrow and I will be very happy to get back to work after a 10 month hiatus.

I had Lacy and Chris over for dinner last night and we all talked about buying a duplex together in central New Jersey. It is not a half bad idea and of course we would like to be close to both of them.

The best thing about getting a new job and starting work is that I will be able to buy a new car sooner rather than later. I've never had my own car before. The car I drive now was given to me by mom and dad but it still is legally theirs because we never transfered the title and all that. I'd like to give it back to them soon because it will still run for awhile. So hopefully now I will get to buy that new car I have always wanted. Of course it will be an economy class car but none the less, a NEW car. :)

Over thanksgiving my family and I endured a family crisis that is too long to go on about but was centered around my youngest brother. He is now not talking to my older brother or I who just tried to help him out. He thinks we went behind his back to find some things out. It's true-we did. We had to though because my brother's emotional and mental health was at stake and we would do anything for him. I just hope that soon he sees we aren't the ones he should be angry with.

That's all!

See ya.

On Friday, Sept. 28th, 2007 I officially became a permanent resident of the good ole USA. Jared and I interviewed together in front of a USCIS officer who went pretty easy on us because I'm Canadian. I think with natural born Canadians they realize we aren't coming to America for "a better life". In just 7 minutes, I was approved and had my passport stamped with a temporary green card stamp until my card comes in the mail. Four thousand dollars later, I get a stamp. haha The irony of it all.

This Saturday Jared and I are driving to Ontario to see Jared's sister Elyse, who is currently dancing in Toronto, and obviously to visit my family for Canadian thanksgiving. I'm thrilled! This will be my first time home in over 7 months and I miss Canadian soil. I think I might stay a bit longer to do some oktoberfest activities with my friends and hang out with my family. We will see, though.

Any ways, that's it pretty much. I went on the sex and the city tour with beth on Saturday and it was okay. It was good to see the entire city for once.

And just for the record....C'EST L'ALLOWEEN